Since the tragedy in New Orleans happened, a lot of great N.O. Rappers have moved Miami. Miami seems to be a better place to move, because you can watch two kinds of dolphins playing while you eat breakfast. You can watch the fishy animal versions of dolphins play in the water, and you can also watch the football-catching, quarterback-kickn' dolphins play at the Miami Aquadome. You know, the Dan Marino kind of dolphin. Speaking of quarterbacking, a lot of the hip-hop coming out of Miami explores the struggles and spoils of drug dealers in the 21st century. One of my favorite rappers, Lil' Wayne, recently moved to Miami with his father the Birdman. Rick Ross dropped a polished albulm of lackluster rhymes delivered with immpecable swagger. The lyrics and production on that albulm conjured cinematic images reminiscent of Miami Vice, Scarface, and Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Pitbull is pretty good. The kid can spit and he does a good job representing Cuba, and he does the whole bi-lingual style of rapping. Two Live Crew broke down a lot of boundaries for music. With all the great hip-hop coming out of Miami, why did the all the music in Michael Mann's Miami Vice sickecty-suck so mickety-much?
In the opening club scene, people are dancing to the Linkin Park remix of Jay-Z's of Encore. In the year 2006 do people still need a hard rock remix to enjoy hip-hop? Do people need hard rock to enjoy movies! Hello, I think they made Judgement Night in 1994! Anyways, the movie Miami Vice had none of the finesse with music that the orignial had. Which was weird, because at the end of the every TV show it said "A Michael Mann Production" in wild new-wave font. If Michael Mann was responisble for such an amazing TV show, why was the movie version of his creation so lousy?
Like I said, the music had a big part in bringing the movie down. I can only hear so much audioslave in one sitting. I would have rather had regular Phil Collins song rather than a nu-metal cover of a Phil Collins song. I the tv show, it was so rad- they put reggae, punk rock, classic rock, calypso, and suspenseful techno courtesy of Jan Hammer ALL IN ONE EPISODE! I can still enjoy a movie with a bad soundtrack. One of the biggest crimes of Miami Vice is that it had no sense of humor.
It also kind of sucked that Trudi was Tubb's girlfriend. I love seeing Tubbs be real smooth with the ladies. He was a better romancer than Crockett, and in the movie, the opposite is true. Also, it was downright lousy that Crockett didn't have a pet crocodile in the movie. He didn't even live on a boat, which was a major plot point in the TV show. Also, the movie version of Zito and Swietek weren't comic relief. The movie had no comic relief. In the tv show, even Crockett and Tubbs cracked jokes every now and then. Crockett and Tubbs taught us that it was important for undercover cops to crack jokes, because you have to crack jokes in order for people to like you, and the only way you can be belivable as a bad guy to the criminal underworld is to get them to like you, because criminals like to like things.
Another thing, no Nougie! You can't have Miami Vice without the Noug-man. He had the highest jpm (jokes per minute) of any of the characters on the show. Also, why have so random fat dude play Liutenant Castillo. Edward James Olmos is one of the greatest actors of all time, and it would have been great if he had come back for the role. I am sure if they had offered him the role he would have taken it, because he immense talent is being wasted on Battlestar Galactica. It could have been his greatest role since A Million to Juan. (Hey you kids out there in Internetland, if you haven't seen American Me, rent it NOW!) Also, that was rad in Miami Vice when Lt. Castillo had to go against a KGB hitman with a sword and he recounts the code of the samurai to his old partner's son.
So there are a lot of things wrong with the movie Miami Vice, but I will say this: the locations were awesome. The color of the ocean water was such a deep, luscious shade of midnight blue. It was amazing to see the lawless tri-border area on the outskirts of Paraguay with it's acre of discard packing foam from computer boxes. Also, it was cool that the bad guys were neo-nazis because neo-nazis are easy to hate. Everyone hates the neo-nazis, except for the people who do business with them. Michael Mann has made a grip of great movies, you know, like, Heat, Collateral, and Manhunter. Even though this is a low point for him, he is one of the best when it comes to finding interesting places for the camera to film. So, if he ever remakes the movie Miami Vice, here are ten pieces of sage wisdom he should follow so that the movie will rule supreme:
1.) Crockett should live on a boat and have his pet crocidile.
2.) Under no circumstance should Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrel be brought back to play the role of Tubbs and Crockett. For Tubbs, you should get Chris Tucker and Jack Black should play Crockett. You need comedic actors for these roles; Jamie Foxx is susposedly a comedian, but he isn't a great comedic actor.
3.) Nougie! Who should play Nougie? Well, I would say Chris Rock, but I feel it should be someone who head is a little more round. I was thinking Chris Rock could be good because he could channel his role of Pookie from New Jack City. Everyone needs to see a little more Pookie and Nougie.
4.) Edward James Olmos should play the role of Lt. Castillo, and he should do something with a samurai sword, like save Crockett and Tubbs with it in the final scene.
5.) Lay off the nu-metal! Jeepers H. Crackers, get some Miami Bass in there. Rick Ross should be prominently featured in the soundtrack, along with Cool and Dre and plenty of tracks produced by the Runners. Two Live Crew, Pitbull, Trick Daddy and Trina are definite must-haves for the soundtrack. Ressurect Jan Hammer. Even though Three 6 Mafia aren't from Miami, they should be up in the mix.
6.) Also, not as much sex scenes please. I have special movies I watch if I want to see sex scenes. If I am watching Miami Vice, I want to see jokes, action, boat racing and fat stacks of cash.
7.) There should also be something about the Miami Art Fair tied into Miami Vice, like the drug dealers would be laundering money through a gallery that specializes in the secondary market. I think it would be great to see some cutting edge contemporary art in the next version of Miami Vice.
8.) There needs to be more swamp scenes and hillbillies. They should be hillbillies that sell drugs, but only harmless medicinal marijuana and they do it do feed their children. They form a small Militia to help Tubbs and Crockett to defeat the really evil drug dealers, the ones who sell cocaine to the inner cities, do business with the neo-nazis, and utilize child slave labor.
9.) Zito and Swietek need to be comic relief of the buffoonish variety. Zito should be played by Seth Rogen and Swieteck should be played by Ed Helms. Zito's Elvis obsession should be brought up at least once during the movie.
10.) Bruce Willis should play one of the bad guys, and there should be something about smuggling drugs inside of live Dinosaurs that were found in the South American Jungles, and there should be an evil scientist played by Lewis Black who is the mastermind behind using live Dinosaurs as drug smugglers.
whoa whoa, back up.
ReplyDeleteyou lost me right here:
"I am sure if they had offered him the role he would have taken it, because he immense talent is being wasted on Battlestar Galactica"
where would bsg be without commander adama?? not on alloftv.net, for one thing!